


When the commedia dell'arte comes to town

by TittySprinkles



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Actors, Alchemy, Alternate Universe - Medieval, Assassination, Illustrated, Kings & Queens, Magic, Multi, Necromancy, Parties, Political tension, Slapstick, Sort Of, Subterfuge, Taxidermy, Witches, bufoonery, commedia dell'arte, fortune tellers, goonery, grotesque games, italian rennaissance plays, medieval mercenaries, mercantilism, mercenary actors, small cocktails, straight up tom foolery, the troupe sure do love to steal from the rich
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2019-11-09 09:13:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17999027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TittySprinkles/pseuds/TittySprinkles
Summary: A rag tag team of mercenary comedians prepare for the Gaian King's birthday bash, but run into a little obstacle. One of their troupe-mates was brutally murdered in public two days before the party! Will they be able to find another Capitano in time for the event?Karkat Vantas and Dave Strider run an acting troupe of assassins for hire that perform the commedia dell'arte for all kinds of people, far and wide. They kill, steal, and perform slapstick comedy. With two estranged heirs, an heiress, a legally dead ex knight, a necromancer, a witch, and a deceased windbag replaced by a sixteen year old taxedermist and borderline psychopath, there is guaranteed to be shenanigans, kerfuffles, japery, and straight up tom foolery.





	1. what the hell happened back there?

 

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you are in a bit of a sticky situation. Your whole troupe is. You just finished an assassination after a successful play performance, which is basically your average Tuesday. But what isn’t so average about this hit was that one of you didn’t make it out. 

 

“This did not just happen”, you say, looking down at your hands rested on your knees. You’re all sitting around the body in the inn room you rented. “Someone please run me through the events of this evening, so that I know for sure, what happened back there”, you hiss incredulously. You completely missed the last five minutes or so, which is not a whole lot of time to completely fuck up an entire job this badly.

 

“You were there Karkat” John practically whispers.

 

“Well, we weren’t all together the whole night. Maybe it would be a good idea to get everyone’s side of the story, so we can figure out what went wrong”, Jade says. You take a moment to appreciate how smart she is. 

 

“Okay, I’ll go first” says John.

 

__ _ It was early evening. The play had just ended. Everyone was feeling the buzz of excitement that comes after a good show. The air was filled with the smell of expensive food. Just outside the indoor theatre, servants were serving food and drinks to the guests.  _

 

_ Tonight’s show had taken place in the mansion belonging to one of the Skaian Barons. The Baron had invited the troupe to perform at his countryside mansion rager, which was thrown for the purpose of assassinating his brother to get his land. The troupe had also been hired to assassinate said brother.   _

 

__ _ In the main ballroom, all of the mercenary actors were roaming around, eating food, and talking to rich people.  _ God, rich people are so annoying _ , thought John.  _ Can’t wait to just kill this ugly fucker and get out of here already.  _ But the food was good, so he played nice.  _

 

__ _ John was looking around the ballroom with a tiny cocktail in his hand to spot his fellow troupe mates. He couldn’t see Aradia, who was probably stealing something. He also couldn’t see Jake, who he figured was probably banging one of these royal ugly dudes. _

 

__ “Hey, was not!” Jake whines petulantly. 

 

“Really? Then what were you doing?”

 

“A noblewoman.”

 

“Wow, that’s so much different-”

 

“Oh my god, no one cares. I’ll take it from here.”

 

_ Dave was floating around one of the buffet tables, eating a respectable amount of snacks while keeping a casual eye on the guests. A casual eye meaning a totally keen hawk eye, but one that looks super casual and inconspicuous. It’s just one of Dave’s many super impressive skills.  _

 

__ _ He spotted Eridan, who was supposed to be securing tonight’s target. Their client provided a lot more information about the target than usual. Not that it wasn’t useful, but not everyone who hires a hit on someone thinks of the person’s sexual proclivities important information. Apparently, this guy was really into “bejeweled seatroll twinks”, so naturally it was decided that Eridan should be the one to lure him to a private place, where he, y’know, could be killed without everyone seeing it. Public assassinations weren’t unpreferred, but did tend to be a lot messier and more dramatic. It’s not that kind of night.  _

 

__ _ All of a sudden, Dave was accosted by a gaggle of wealthy noblewomen. “Oh, il Dottore” one of them said. “How handsome you are without your mask”said another. “Can I get your autograph?” said one with a feathered hat, “What’s your name?” asked another.  _

 

__ _ “Ladies, of course you can have an autograph” he said while taking a magic feather pen from one of the noblewomen. “Where should I sign?” he asked.  _

 

__ _ “Right here”she said, while pushing her cleavage up and pointing to it with her other hand. Dave went and signed- _

 

__ “Hey, that’s not how it went!” exclaimed Jade. 

 

“What do you mean, that’s exactly what happened.”

 

“No, I was there. It happened more like this.”

 

_ Jade stood by the snack table with Dave, pigging out on all of the small foods and drinks. While they were having a competition for “who can drink the most of this disgusting cocktail”, a girl came up to the table. She was their age, younger than a majority of the guests at this party, so she must have been some nobleman’s daughter. She turned to Dave and asked him, “hey you are the il Dottore in the play just now, right?” _

 

__ _ Dave turned, stood up, and opened his mouth to respond. Before he could actually say anything, he promptly threw up on the girl’s shoes. She looked at him in horror, smacked him on the head with her fan, and ran off. _

 

__ _ “Alright!” Jade bellowed, “I wi-in!” _

 

__ “Oh hey, come on Harley!” Dave said.

 

‘I only tell the truth”, Jade stated solemnly. “Plus, it was pretty hilarious. It was almost funnier than it was gross.”

 

“You’re dead to me” Dave slurs.

 

“Dave, are you still drunk?” you ask.

 

“Nu-” he hiccups, “uh-uh.”

 

“Okay, guys. We are getting way off topic, yet again” Jane chimes in. “I can take it from here.”

 

_ Jane was standing on the balcony, overlooking the rest of the party. The upper level wrapped around the room on all sides. On the inner side was a wide, waist high marble railing. On two of the outer sides were large, arching windows that led out to furnished balconies. The other two sides were walled in, with a few hallways leading away to other places.  _

 

_ Looking down, Jane spotted Eridan right away. He was wearing so much jewelry that he was practically a beacon. She wondered how he managed to incorporate that much jewelry into his stage costume. A Capitano typically does not wear this much jewelry, which was his character.  _

 

_ Jane could tell that Eridan was having trouble finding their target. It was her job to make sure that the two got up to the second level and into one of the rooms. Then she would alert Jade and Dave to come upstairs by using magic to bring one of the crayfish back to life, if they hadn’t eaten them all beforehand.  _

 

_ Jane was on her way to the staircase to the bottom level to help Eridan find the target, but she spotted something shiny out of the corner of her eye. She turned to her left, and saw that the object was sitting on the floor in one of the hallways.  _ Well, taking my eye off of the party for one second wouldn’t hurt, _ she thought. The thrill of mystery had crept into her bones. _

 

_ Upon closer inspection, the shiny object turned out to be a high heeled women’s shoe. At least Jane thinks it was a woman’s shoe. Could never be too sure. Jane picked it up and looked around, after making sure no one was looking at her and there were no women around with one shoe, she ducked into the hallway. Barely a few feet away was the other shoe. She picked that one up and examined them. The whole surface of each shoe was covered in precious jewels. They could make a fortune off of these shoes. _

_ A few feet further into the hall was a long, pink scarf. It was soft to the touch, and was weaved with a pink floral pattern. Jane pulled out her magnifying glass and inspected the fabric. In some places it was dark, but others reflected the light. When tilted or rubbed, the reflectiveness changed. This scarf was definitely velvet, and would also definitely make a pretty penny. Who would leave such an expensive scarf and pair of shoes right out in the open like that? _

 

_ When Jane turned her magnifying glass from the scarf to the floor, she could see barely there sweaty footprints. She followed them, but in order to be able to see them clearly, she had to maintain an awkward squat. She stopped her waddle on the floor when the footprints ended. She put her magnifying glass back into one of her many skirt pockets and looked around. She was mostly obscured from the view of the rest of the party by the hallway’s notable roundness attribute, which was fortunate because no one would see her stash a stray hand fan on the floor into her skirt, or the shoes and scarf she found. Right next to where the fan had lied on the floor just a moment ago, was a door.  _

 

_ Jane put her ear to the door, seeing if maybe she would find a clue. She heard a faint rustling, and possibly a voice as well. Jane needed to get to the bottom of this mystery. She decided that the only thing left to do was to open the door, the clues led her right to it.  _

 

_ She took a deep breath, stood up, and turned the doorknob- _

 

“Jane, your little detective story was fun and all, but it has pretty much nothing to do with anything else” Dirk cut in. 

“What was behind the door?” Jake asks.

 

Jane sighs dejectedly. “Rich people having sex.”

 

“Ew”, John, Jake, and Jade say near simultaneously.

 

“Oh come on Jake, you literally just got it on with a rich person” Dirk grumbles.

 

“Well at least it wasn’t two!” Jake squeaks.

 

“Do you still have the clothes?” Aradia asks hopefully.

 

“I sure do!” Jane takes a moment to fish out the goods from her nebulous skirt. “Here they are. Everyone gets closer to her to inspect the stolen items.

 

“Wow, these do look really expensive”, John says, turning a shoe over in his hand.

 

“Let me see”, you say, and he hands you the shoe. You shift it from hand to hand. “These things are heavy, how would you even walk in these?”

 

“Oh I can for sure walk in these. I’ll show you!” Aradia chirps. She’s holding one shoe and making grabby hands at you for the other. You hold it out to her but Dirk takes both of them. 

 

“Okay, hate to interrupt another tangent, but I think it’s time to get this proverbial train back on the track before Eridan starts to bloat.”

 

_ Dirk stood next to one of the buffet snack tables, sipping thoughtfully on a small martini in a pink cup. He saw Eridan floating between conversations with people who were not the host’s brother. Dirk figured he’d push things along a little. _

 

_ “Hey man”, he said. “What’s going on?” _

 

_ “I just can’t find him!”, Eridan whined. Dirk’s been able to keep an eye on the guy all night, but Eridan is pretty short, so he’ll give him a break. _

 

_ “Don’t worry dude. Just keep your eyes on me, I’ll go talk to him, then introduce you.” _

 

_ “You’re seriously offering to be my wingman right now?” Eridan didn’t look amused. _

 

_ “Yeah. Don’t even sweat it.” _

 

_ Dirk walked over to this noble asshole(he assumed, the intel his brother sent was pretty scathing) and introduced himself as his character in the play, Pantalone. Actors do keep their roles for life in the commedia dell’arte, it might as well be his true identity. They guy didn’t seem to interested in what he had to say until he mentioned Eridan and pointed to him, where he was standing next to a snack table looking demure as fuck.  _

 

_ “Say, what’s that kid’s name?” Eridan was nowhere near being a kid, but compared to this guy, he’s a baby.  _

 

_ “Eridan” Dirk didn’t feel the need to conceal anyone’s identity to him, he’ll be dead before the night is over.  _

 

_ “Eridan, well, that’s a nice name. He sure does have a lot of jewelry on, that one.” _

 

_ “Yup, and that’s not even all he’s got on” he lied. _

 

_ “Does he now?” _

 

_ “Well, why don’t you ask him?” he said while waving Eridan over. He almost felt guilty for passing Eridan off to this doucheweed, but Dirk know he knows how to handle himself. _

 

_ Next order of business was to notify Dave and Jade that Eridan will be going up to the second level soon. He knew that Jane was supposed to do that with some fancy magic crayfish bullshit, but he wanted to feel important, dammit. On his way there, however, he was interrupted by Aradia pulling him aside. _

 

_ “What the hell?” he asked her. _

 

_ “Shh” she explained. She then started to detach the innermost layer of her dress from the bodice, stepped out of it, bunched it at the top, and handed it to him. _

 

_ “I raided the rooms for valuables. Now go take this to the carriage” she clapped him on the shoulder and scampered right off, probably to steal more shit. Dirk didn’t let this detour discourage him, he too loved securing sweet loot. He exited the ballroom discreetly through one of the doors on the ground level and put the underskirt of stolen goods in the troupe’s small carriage.  _

 

_ When dirk returned to the ballroom floor he glimpsed Eridan hauling ass across the second level before ducking into another hallway, followed by a maid. Well, shit.  _

 

_ Dirk, discreetly as he could, booked it up the stairs and looked for the room that the target was in. Luckily he didn’t have to look too hard, it was one of the first guest bedrooms by the stairs, and oh yeah, the door was wide open. Awesome. There was even another maid there, standing there shaking while staring at the man tied to the bed. Dirk wondered where in the fresh hell Eridan got rope from, and then panicked because  _ oh my god the door is wide open and there’s a guy yelling and another person here.  _ So he just kind of, put her in a sleeper hold until she passed out. He didn’t have time to think about that particular choice of action because he was immediately thinking about how he was unarmed and he really didn’t want to choke the guy with his bare hands.  _

 

_ Dirk did, in a brief moment of sudden clarity, remember that Jade and jake were armed at all times. Since Jade was all the way downstairs, and he hadn’t seen Jake there for a while, which meant he must have been upstairs, he decided to look for Jake. Dirk’s shoes squeaked against the shiny marble floor in his effort to get as far away as possible from the room and to look for Jake. He was in a door opening frenzy. Eventually, he found the room Jake was in. And apparently, a noblewoman as well. _

 

_ “Dammit Jake, we have a situation” he barked at him. _

 

_ “Can’t you see I’m busy here?” Jake said. The girl was trying her best to cover herself up with sheets and look mortified while eyeing Dirk up. _

 

_ “Jake, I don’t have time for this. This is urgent” Jake must have seen the panicked look in Dirk’s eyes, because he pulled out, got off the bed, and put his pants on in three seconds flat. Apparently he didn’t feel the need for shoes or a shirt because he was already following Dirk down the hall before he could ask.  _

 

_ While Dirk was gone, another maid had come by, saw the scene, and fainted in the doorway on top of the other maid. There was yet another maid standing by the bed, in the process of untying the fuming Baron. Jake stepped over the first two maids and before he could get the other maid away from the bed, she took one look at his washboard abs and fainted right there. To be fair, Dirk would too if he hadn’t seen Jake naked a million times by then. Just a part of being on the road. _

 

_ Dirk figured that Jake knew what to do, so he stood watch at the end of the hallway. From that spot he could see the doorway to the room Jake was in and part of the downstairs ballroom. All of a sudden, Dirk saw Eridan run out from behind a corner and get speared through the back. The momentum from the spear sent him flying right over the railing and onto the floor below. Dirk heard the muffled sound of a gun going off, and then shocked gasps from the partygoers. The band stopped playing and just stood, slack jawed, just as Dirk was. Just then Jake came out into the hallway, took a look at Dirk, looked down at the party, looked back at Dirk, and said, “Holy smokes! We’d better skedaddle!”. Dirk couldn’t think of a dumber time to say something corny.  _

 

_ Everything stopped for a moment, people were staring Eridan’s lifeless corpse stuck to the ground by the huge spear. Then, Jade ran from the snack table to Eridan’s corpse. After making sure he was dead by observing that a spear impaled him, she put her foot down on the spearhead like it was a shovel, and lifted Eridan’s body off of the handle. There were some screams from the crowd before Jade, carrying Eridan above her head with her toned as fuck arms, turned tail and hoofed it out of there. Fuck yeah, horse puns. When Dave, Jane, John and Aradia followed her outside, Dirk grabbed Jake by the arm and ran down the stairs and outside. He didn’t let go until they were in the carriage. _

 

_ “Is everyone here?” Asked Karkat, who was already there for some reason. Everyone in the back looked around before saying yes, and they were on their way out. _

 

“Why were you downstairs?” Jade asks, looking at Jane.

 

“Well, after my little, uh, distraction, I went to look for him like I was going to do. I didn’t know he was already upstairs” Jane says while scratching the back of her neck.

 

“Well, it’s not her fault, she didn’t know” says Dave. “But Karkat, why were you already in the carriage? Not like it wouldn’t have been helpful, but Jane didn’t tell you Eridan was upstairs.”

 

“Yeah, I should have waited for her, but I saw Eridan running on the balcony so I figured he’d already killed the guy” you tell him. You know you acted out of line, but at least you didn’t fuck up as badly as everyone else. 

 

“We are so incompetent” Jade grumbles into her palms.

 

“Oh it’s not all bad Jade! Look at all of the loot we got!” Aradia says, presenting her underskirt of valuables.

 

“How can you say that Aradia? Eridan is  _ dead! _ Just look at him!” John squeaks.

 

“Oh come on John, everybody dies. Death is a part of life you know. In fact, we should celebrate! Death is beautiful, and should be embraced.” Everyone looks at Aradia quizzically. “Ok fine, if you all wanna be debbie downers about this, can’t Jane just bring him back anyway?”

 

“Uh, Not necessarily”, Jane says. “My magic isn’t quite powerful enough to bring a whole person back from the dead. Troll and human brains are too large and complex for me to juice up fully. I mostly do it on small animals and plants.”

 

“Hmm” ponders Jake. “Well, what about you Aradia, aren’t you a necromancer?”

 

“Yes but, necromancers usually just talk to the dead. If I were to bring someone back to life, first they would have to want to come back, and second, I would need a power source. Jane can use her own magic as a source, but I have to get it from somewhere else. Something like a source of electricity, or my from own soul, or the souls of other people. If I didn’t do that, all I would be able to do is pilot his body, and that would probably be obvious.”

 

“Well, it’s possible right? Why don’t you talk to him?” Dave suggests.

 

“Alright, just a second”, Aradia says. She closes her eyes, shrugs her shoulders a few times, and sits for a minute. Everyone is silent, staring at her. After a few moments, she inhales, opens her eyes, and says, “He said, and I quote ‘Fuck no, I’ll see you all in hell’.”

 

“Well damn”, Dave says, after a moment.

 

“Y’know, I really thought we were starting to become friends” John laments.

 

“John”, you tell him. “Passive aggressive glares and insults don’t really constitute a friendship.”

 

“Well, now that we’re one member down, we have to figure out what to do about King Bequerel the third’s birthday party two days from now. We need a full cast”, Dirk states. Fuck. You forgot all about the King of Gaia’s birthday.

 

You wrack your brain for possible solutions, possible favors you could ask. Who do you know who can act? Who can channel the fine art of slapstick humor? Who isn’t too annoying?

 

You come up with an idea, but it’s a long shot. You almost hope it won’t work out. You really don’t like the idea of biting the bullet and asking a favor of two people in particular, but it’s the only option you can think of.

 

“Guys”, you say, tentatively, “I think I have an idea.”

 

You are so fucked.

  
  



	2. check this, a house... but on wheels! woah!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Karkat kick off an excellent adventure. Sorry this chapter is so long with not a lot really happening. I hope you enjoy it anyway.

Your name is Jade Harley and the events of last night have not caught up to you yet, but you’re dealing with the consequences anyway. It’s a jarring feeling to have someone around all the time, and then all of a sudden, they’re not there anymore. Well, in all actuality he is here, he’s just a corpse. An obstinate one at that. You never thought that a corpse could be obstinate, but you learn something new every day.

It’s early morning in Gaia, and morale is low. Karkat got up before everyone else and packed everything up. He’s just kind of, sitting there, twitching nervously. Dirk and Dave are squished up in one armchair, drinking tea silently. Jake is nowhere to be seen, and John is still asleep. Jane is polishing her glasses for the seventh time. Another look around the room finds Aradia, who’s appraising some of the stuff she stole and writing some things down in a small leather-bound journal. At least she isn’t moping around.

Because she seems to be in the best mood, you sit next to Aradia on the couch. She’s holding a golden pocket watch. This was definitely picked directly off of someone.

“Hey, Jade? How much do you think this is worth?”

“Hmm. Good question. I think it depends on how pure the gold is. But if I were to assume it was a full 24 carats, I’d say it’s maybe worth 5,000 Gaian Durham, which would be about 1500 Alternian Riel, or 100 Skaian Dollars. This is a really good find Aradia, nice job.”

“Thanks! Man I’m excited to sell this thing. I think I’m going to try to sell it in Skaia since I can probably charge more for it there.”

“Good thinking.”

“Everyone seems to be in such a down mood today, huh?”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking! But I don’t get it, Karkat said that he knows someone not too far away in Alternia who might be able to fill Eridan’s spot. Now I think that’s something to be hopeful about!”

“Jade, you don’t know these people. The feeling that thinking about talking to them invokes in me is not something I would call hope”, says Karkat, from his bunk bed.

“Oh come on Karkat, what can be so bad about them that makes someone like you so put off?”

“First of all, fuck you. Second of all, they’re batshit crazy is what. I haven’t seen any of them since the summer of ‘71.” That makes you quiet for a moment. Hardly anyone talks about the summer of ‘71 anymore. You prefer not to think of it. You take a deep breath.

“Well, let’s not let that discourage us. I’m sure these people you have in mind can’t be that bad. If so, you wouldn’t consider them.”

“Fine, you’re coming with me.”

And that’s how you found yourself on the back of your loyal, beautiful stallion, Becquerel. You’ve been riding this horse for as long as you could walk, just as was your father, and his father before him, and his father before him. He is a really old horse, a family heirloom of sorts, but he’s just as strong as he was in his youth, you assume. He is very strong. But you would have been riding him this morning anyway, as if you would let Karkat take him anywhere without you.

Karkat is behind you sitting side-saddle so as not to disturb his Lungi. He’s also gripping your shoulders instead of your waist so he doesn’t wrinkle his Alternian gold silk changshan. It’s basically a men’s shirt version of a qipao. Point is, Karkat is really too dainty sometimes, despite being bigger than average for his approximate hemotype. 

You usually stick with your good old fashioned Gaian shalwar. They’re a pair of loose, baggy pants that are form fitting from about mid calf to ankle. They are your favorite. And you of course never forget your hunting rifle when you go somewhere that isn’t the stage. That would be a bit concerning for the audience. Jake’s pistols are a lot easier to conceal. You carry your trusty rifle in a brown leather holster that drapes over one shoulder and over your back. Your favorite thing about it are the gold and brass studs that decorate it. On second thought, that may be the reason why Karkat is holding your shoulders instead of your waist.

Karkat guides you through the winding country roads after you pass through the Alternian border. You’re not very familiar with this territory but Karkat seems to be. The ride in total takes about two hours. About halfway through, you take a pit stop to eat some apples you packed for the trip and feed some to Bec. 

“Jade, don’t you think it’s kind of creepy that he doesn’t have any eyes?” Karkat asks you while you’re petting his nose.

“Karkat, that’s rude. He lost them to tetanus when my grandfather had him.”

“Okay, first of all, he’s a horse, he doesn’t understand me. Second, in that case, shouldn’t he be dead?”

“Karkat! That is so rude!”

“No, Jade, that’s not what I meant. I mean, wouldn’t tetanus normally kill a horse?”

“My Becquerel is a very strong and resilient horse”, you boast. “Aren’t you? Aren't you?”, you coo to him while rubbing his ears. He huffs, and Karkat grimaces. You ignore him and hop back on the saddle, patting the space behind you.

The house Karkat has you stop in front of is barely a house at all. It’s similar to a carriage, in that it’s on wheels, but much larger than any horse pulled carriage you’ve seen. It sits amongst heavy foliage before a thicket of trees in a settlement that seems to be full of these structures. They are like homes, but seem to be capable of mobility. Kind of like a, mobile home. What a novel idea!

The front yard area has two rocking chairs and a blanket set underneath a canvas awning sticking out from the top of the carriage house with the ends held up by then wooden posts. You would tie Becquerel here, but you’re afraid that his weight would send it tumbling down. Besides, he’s blind. Where the hell would he go?

“Well, this is it. Not a thing has changed” Karkat says to himself. He looks at the facade with disdain. You see why. The whole thing is painted with elaborate depictions of dragons in every bright, obnoxious color imaginable. Because the carriage isn’t completely smooth, there’s a bunch of unnatural contours breaking up the shapes of the dragons’ bodies. It’s gaudy and unsightly, yet mesmerizing. “Come on, let’s go” Karkat huffs as he dismounts Becquerel.

Karkat barely knocks once before the door is thrown open, followed by a sharp gasp and a squeal of, “Karkat!” You can’t see who is behind the door because she has Karkat in a full on bear hug, lifting him off the ground. You thought Karkat was tall, geez.

“Hi Latula”, he wheezes. When the troll woman releases Karkat, she turns to you and holds out her hand. You shake it, and she shakes hard. You will not be upstaged however, so you shake back with equal force, the muscles in both of your arms bulge with the effort. Her huge grin never dissipates, and she gives you a small nod of approval. Karkat is yet again staring at you in confusion.

“Hey there chica! I’m Latula Pyrope, ex knight, former fool, and boardgaming extraordinaire.” Latula has large teal eyes, straight pointy horns, and waist length black hair partially tied into a ponytail. She’s dressed in a honey yellow Alternian deel with a teal sash tied around the middle. You’ve never seen anyone in person wearing one, but you’ve seen them in your friend Kanaya’s pattern books. You should ask her to make you one, because it looks super cool. It has a high collar, cup sleeves, buttons made of intricate knots on the left side, and the waist flows into a folded mid-calf length skirt. There’s even lime green and cream yellow floral embroidery on the edges. Underneath are simple black leggings, and you can see the bottom of what appears to be a leg brace, and no shoes. Now the ex knight and former fool thing makes sense. “What’s your name?”

“I’m Jade! Pleased to meet you!” You really are pleased to meet her. 

“Please, enter my most welcoming place of residence”, she waves you in and turns to face into the house before yelling, “we have company, Sollux, get the cookies!” Now you’re really excited. 

The first thing you notice when you enter the house is a window spanning the right wall that goes halfway down, interrupted by a door that leads to the driver’s seat and yokes. The whole front area is flooded with natural light. It provides some hella choice ambiance. Directly in front of you is a portrait of a woman who somewhat resembles Latula, sitting posed on top of a huge white dragon. To your left is the sitting room and kitchen, beyond which is a hallway, and then another door on the other end. The kitchen sits to the right, and on the left side is a wall covered by a huge bookshelf. Most people who live in rural areas are illiterate, but apparently not these people. That’s exciting! You hope you’ll have time to talk books with them.

“Here, take a seat, I’ll make tea” Latula says excitedly. You sit on a soft and well worn couch pushed against the long wall on the left side of the house. In front of you is a wooden oval table littered with jars of assorted oils, sauces, and seasonings. You look up, and it’s then that you notice the giant dragon head mounted on the wall in front of you.

Its shiny, tough looking skin is bone white, and its eyes are bright red. Its mouth is open, showing three layers of large, razor sharp teeth. You would guess that this is the same dragon as is depicted in the painting. Underneath it is a fireplace, and on either side are two stuffed magenta dragons, of considerably smaller size than the first. Maybe Karkat had a point earlier? But no, these dragons are actually cool! Look at that shiny skin, the intricate pseudo-horns, the lifeless eyes, the sharp teeth, the open mouthed snarl, the pointy talons…

“Anyone-”

“Eagh!” You squeal embarrassingly. 

“Are you okay dude? I was just gonna ask if you wanted some sick honey cookies. It’s a new recipe, ‘Tuna harvested the honey from out back, it’s hella organic.”

“Oh! Yes I would.” You brush off the incident and grab a cookie. It is delicious. When you’re done inhaling it like some kind of barbarian or something, you see a yellow blooded man standing next to Latula wearing a similar Deel, his is teal with a deep green sash. He’s also wearing a wide brimmed straw hat on top of a white scarf wrapped around his head, face, and neck.

“Jade, this is Mituna” Latula says. You get up and try to shake his hand, but he gives you a high five instead. You’ll take it. “Mituna, Karkat came to visit! You remember Karkat, right?”

“Karkat!”, Mituna shouts at a completely unreasonable volume, in your opinion. Karkat stands, high fives Mituna, and accepts his hug. Then two more people come out into the sitting room. Two kind of small people.

The small trolls continue the custom of shouting Karkat’s name and hugging the absolute shit out of him until he can’t breathe. One of them is a teen boy, maybe 13 or 14 years old, with four horns and yellow blood. The girl looks older than him by a few years, and has straight pointed horns like Latula, but you can’t tell her blood type right away because her eyes are covered by a red silk blindfold. 

“Hey Sollux, Hi Terezi. Man, you guys shot up like weeds.” He ruffles Sollux’s hair with his right hand and pinches Terezi’s cheek with his left, which looks pretty hilarious since she’s almost as tall as he is. But he also looks genuinely excited to see them again. You knew there was nothing to worry about.

“Sollux, Terezi, this is Karkat’s friend, Jade. Jade, this is my most awesome son, Sollux, and my most radical daughter, Terezi.” Sollux rolls his eyes and Terezi grins while reaching her hand out. You shake it and are surprized to find that her grip is actually pretty strong despite how skinny she looks. She holds the shake for a moment longer, seeming to be studying you. Considering her lack of eyesight at the moment, you don’t mind. Sollux gives you a short “hey” and retreats to his room. He is apparently unmoved by this heartfelt reunion.

When everyone is settled around the table drinking tea and eating cookies, Latula speaks up again. “So, Karkat, what brings you here? It’s been a damn long time Karkles. Was worried you off and got yourself killed a few times. Could’a sent a message sometime.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m really sorry. I couldn’t think of what to say, or muster up the courage to see you since… what happened, in the summer of ‘71”, Karkat says sheepishly.

“Oh, I understand Karkat. It was hard for all of us. But none of it was your fault, ok? Now, let’s move on from that, and tell me. To what do I owe the most righteous honor of having you visit my humbly sicknasty abode on this most beautiful day?”

“Well, you see, I need to ask a favor of you. Our troupe-mate, Eridan, was killed last night after a show. The King of Gaia and Jade’s father’s birthday is tomorrow, and he hired us to perform, but now we don’t have a Capitano.”

“Woah, you mean that your dad is the king of Gaia? The King Becquerel the second?” Latula asks you.

“Yep! The very one”, you beam.

“Woah”, she narrows her eyes thoughtfully and leaves her mouth open for a second. “Most fortuitous.”

“Yes, well, we were wondering if you could fill Eridan’s spot and play Capitano at the show in two days. I know it’s a pinch, but we would appreciate it so much” Karkat says, looking more desperate than before.

“Wait, can’t you just revive him? Or have him revived?”, Latula asks. Karkat looks away and screws his mouth up to one side, and you scratch the back of your neck, looking down. “Okay, I get it, I hated that guy too. I would love to help a bro out, but I can’t do it. My leg is no good and I can’t do any ill stunts anymore, or run or jump really.”

“God, yeah, I’m sorry, of course-”

“But”, Latula starts. Karkats gaze shoots up to her face, his hands are balled tight in his lap. “My daughter here is all kinds of nimble, enthusiastic, and talented. She’s most excellent at roleplaying and pulling ill stunts. Aintcha?”

“Thanks, mom. And yes, I would have to agree.” Terezi smiles proudly.

“Uh, I appreciate it, but, isn’t she a bit young to come touring with us? How old are you again?” Karkat asks. You stop feeling excited about the prospect to realize that he’s right.

“I’m 16. I’ll be 17 in the summer”, Terezi answers nonchalantly. You look at Karkat. After holding each other’s gaze for a couple seconds, you both shrug.

“Okay, I guess that’s not too bad. Do you know how to read, project your voice properly, or wash and stitch clothes?”

“Of course I do, dumbass.”

“Alright, perfect. Thank you so much Latula, you have no idea how much this means to us”, Karkat gushes.

“Thank you!”, you say, because you’re not an animal.

“Just make sure you pay her her fair share, okay?” Latula warns.

“Oh, yeah, of course. We’ll pay her, keep her safe, everything” Karkat rushes out.

“Oh, and one more thing. Before you set off with my dear Terezi, you have to do something first.”

“What is it?”

“You have to play a game.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“It’s Pyrope tradition” Latula states seriously. Terezi is grinning maniacally. Karkat facepalms and groans, but you smile. You love games! This is going to be so much fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo-oo, it's 4 am and I am slowly becoming nocturnal. Un betaed and unedited as usual, so this is pure, unfiltered, authentic, grade a nonsense. Comments are greatly appreciated, and so is following my tumblr:
> 
> https://sprinklestitty.tumblr.com


	3. plants versus zombies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i dont have an explanation or excuse. enjoy

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you are really nervous for Jade. You let Latula rope you into playing one of her demented games, and no matter how complicated or weird, she is simply the best at games. You’ve never seen Jade play intense magic games before, mostly magic card games, but you know that whatever Latula decides to make her play will be top tier crazy. You volunteered Jade because you’re not very magically talented, and the few skills you do have are kind of useless. All of it involves using your own blood, because you’re *special* or something. You prefer to keep your skin intact than show off useless tricks.

You, Jade, Terezi, and Mituna are sitting on the grass in the backyard. Latula went into the shed a few minutes ago to get supplies for the game. You, Jade, and Terezi are sitting together on a picnic blanket wile Mituna sits on the other side of the yard near the door in a chair. He’s looking off somewhere in the distance. When you turn your head to see what it is, you feel a jolt of electricity on the sole of your left foot.

“Hey, what the fuck, asshole?” You shriek.

“Hey, Karkat, don’t be so rude!” Jade chastises you. Mituna grins and gives you the finger. Fine.

Just then, Latula comes out of the shed with her arms full. She’s carrying a wicker basket and wooden stake with one arm, and a wooden crate with the other. The crate has 3 plant pots sitting in it. They look to be about as wide as your hand around. You don’t have a good enough view of them from where you’re sitting, so you don’t know what kind of plant it is. She sets the supplies on the ground a few feet away from the blanket, in the middle of the yard. They are most definitely venus flytraps.

“Okay!” Latula claps her hands together. “For permission to take Terezi on the road, we will be playing plants versus zombies!” Oh no. You should have guessed it, you hate this game. Partly because you can’t really play, and also because it’s disgusting.

“The rules are simple. One player is plants, the other is zombies. If all three zombies are eaten, plants wins. If a zombie makes it past the plants and into the goal, zombies wins. The plants player will use these venus flytraps, and the zombie player will use rats. Remember, the rats can’t leave the playing field, and the plants have to stay above the soil.” Then, Latula opens the basket. A cloud of cold steam flows out of the top. She reaches her hand in the basket and pulls out three brown rats, dangling from her fingers by their tails. You grimace and try to suppress a gag. Something about rats just creep you out, and them being dead just makes it worse. Yuck.

Jade claps her hands excitedly. “Awesome! I haven’t been able to use my magic for a while.”

“Jade, since you’re our guest, you get to choose which one you wanna be”, latula says, as if she’s talking about checkers.

“Oh, zombies, for sure.” Jade was always talented when it came to necromancy. You think she made the right choice, even though you’re cringing.

“Alright! Let’s set the stage.” With that, Latula picks up the wooden stake and draws lines in the ground, disrupting the sparse grass. When she’s finished, there’s a large rectangle, long side parallel to you and the house. At the left side, outside of the rectangle, is a circle, presumably the goal. She then drives the stake into the ground three times, making a line inside of the rectangle on the goal side. She wiggles it around, making holes big enough for the pots, and sets them inside so they’re ground level. She then sets the rats down on the opposite side, and takes a seat behind the goal. Jade takes the hint and sits down at the opposite side.

“Ready when you are, chica”, Latula grins. Jade nods and closes her eyes. The rats one by one open their eyes, now glowing with a faint green light. With each movement of their muscles, there’s a faint pulse of green electricity until they become fully “online”. They are now all standing up on their little furry legs. Jade moves their ears and tails to test out the controls, and it looks too close to how a live rat would move around. She looks out of their eyes, their heads moving around, taking in their surroundings. Then she opens her own eyes, and takes a deep breath.

You always wondered what it was like to be able to see with more than one pair of eyes at once. To move and feel with more than one body. These gross dead rats are now full extensions of Jade’s body, and in some ways, her soul. 

You turn to look at Terezi, who looks vaguely interested, with her hands placed on the ground in front of her. 

“Terezi, why are your hands on the ground?”

“So I can sense what’s going on better. I can get a better picture in my mind’s eye the more sensory input I receive. I don’t necessarily need to, but it makes the spectating experience easier and more comfortable.”

“Huh. I didn’t know that. But isn’t that what deaf people do to make up for not hearing?”

“Are you seriously criticizing how I perceive? Also, do you know how stupid you sound right now?”

“No I- jeez, sorry.”

“Shut up. It’s starting.” Oh yeah. You forgot there was a game to watch.

One of Jade’s rats steps tentatively forward. It gets about halfway down the field, then abruptly sprints down to the other side, and is immediately captured by one of the venus flytrap’s now huge flowers. Jade nods, bites her lip, and wiggles a little in her spot, steeling herself. The first rat was clearly just a test, a trial run. The second rat advances at a pace between that of the first and second of the first rat. It nears one side, gets close, and quickly veers off to the other side. It passes the plant barricade, and almost makes it through to the goal before it’s snatched up.

Even with two traps full, there are still too many more on each plant for that to be a setback. Latula makes a small fist pump to herself. Mituna is cheering her on, throwing coins on the field. You don’t know why, no one else is betting money.

Jade takes a second to think of her next move. She has one rat left, and needs to use it wisely. Latula has her hands held out, smiling. She’s in the zone, looking somewhere between attentive and smug. Mituna is still yelling practically jumping out of his chair. Terezi is in the same position she was in before, with a toothy smile. Your hands are tightly clenched into fists, and you’re leaning forward on your knees, and you’re shouting encouragements to Jade. You now understand what sports fans feel when they go to a gladiator match or jousting tournament.

Jade has a determined look on her face, her hands, for the moment, still and flat in front of her. It seems as if she doesn’t hear anything at all. Then, her fingers make small movements, and with them the rat crawls forward. She picks up one of the coins in its mouth. Alternian riel are thin, round coins with rough, semi-serrated edges. Must not be comfortable to those cheeks. 

The rat does the same move as last time, feinting a charge at one side and going the other way. But the rat stops its run abruptly, right as a flower strikes forward to trap it. Now the rat is trapped in the plant, but its entire bottom half is hanging out. Your heart sinks.

Then, Jade digs the rat’s little hind feet in the dirt, and starts to walk backwards. Latula yanks back with the stem, and the coin slices right through the trap. The rat spins around on its heels, and dashes for the goal. Once in the circle, it drives the coin halfway in the ground and sits down. Then the green light leaves its eyes, and it goes limp again

“Oh, yes! Yes! Oh my god, did you see that? Oh my god, Jade!” You don’t realize you’re yelling until Jade turns to you and smiles, breathing heavily. She must be worn out after piloting three rats at once, ones who got captured by venus flytraps at that.

“Jaade! Congrats dude!”, Latula exclaims. She looks more excited than she was when she was winning. “I gotta hand it to you man, that was sick. You’re the first person to actually beat me at this game! I’m impressed.” 

“Thanks! I had a lot of fun”, Jade accepts graciously.

“Wait, hold on”, you say. “You had us take our chance at a game that no one’s ever beat you at before?”

“Oh Karkat, calm down. I was gonna let her go with you anyway. I don’t really control what she does, I know she’s responsible. I just wanted to have some fun with you and your friend!”

Unbelievable. You facepalm, and Terezi cackles as if this is the funniest thing she’s ever witnessed. You go to nudge her knee with your shoe, but she swats it away before it even makes contact. “What the fuck?”, you say to yourself.

“Let’s go back inside. I don’t know if you guys are hungry, but I sure am!”, Latula announces before heading back inside. Terezi and Mituna join her, but you and Jade hang back for a minute.

“Thanks Jade, and congrats. Even though that was really gross, it was still pretty badass”, you say.

“Thanks. And it’s no problem, I had fun. And, I know what you mean when you say they’re a little crazy, but I think they’re also pretty cool! You should have introduced me earlier.”

“Yeah, well-” you trail off.

“You know what? It’s fine. Now’s just a good of a time as any other. The real important thing is that we have someone to take Eridan’s place. But what’s even more important is that there’s food inside, and I’m hungry.”

“You’re right.”

When you re-enter the house, you can smell whatever it is that Latula made for lunch. Everyone is already sitting at the living room table, and you sit next to Jade on the couch again. There’s a pot of soup and a loaf of bread in the middle of the table. Since you were only outside for a few extra minutes, it’s probably leftovers from yesterday. You’re cool with that. You take the ladle and scoop some of the soup into Jade’s bowl, then yours. The soup is, actually, really good, which you didn’t expect. You’d think Latula would cook with something wild like dragon or badger or, god forbid, chicken.

“This is really good, what’s in it?”, Jade asks.

“Oh, it’s an old family recipe. It’s crocodile.”

“Huh”, Jade says. You doubt she’s ever had crocodile, being from Gaia. It’s fairly common to find them in the wetter areas of Alternia and Skaia, but Gaia and Prospit are mostly more elevated.

After lunch, you help Latula clean up in the kitchen while Terezi packs for the trip. You’re going to have to take her to Kanaya’s shop to get a new costume made. There is no chance that Eridan’s will fit her, and, oh yeah, he fucking died in it. You wouldn’t make anyone wear that thing. You just hope that she’ll be able to put something together in time. It’s not exactly a short trip to the Gaian capitol. 

When you finish with the dishes, Terezi is already in the living room with two canvas duffel bags, chatting with Jade. You take the bags and clip them to the sides of Becquerel’s saddle. Getting all three of you on the horse is a bit of a struggle, on top of having two bags as well. You pity the poor horse, but you make it work. On the ride back to the inn, Jade and Terezi sing travel songs. The. Whole. Way.

“26 bottles of beer on the wall, 26 bottles of beer, take one down pass it-”

“Can you guys shut the fuck up for five minutes?”

“Take one down, pass it around, 25 bottles of beer on the wall. 25 bottles of-”

You are really ready to join Eridan in hell right now. 

When you get back to the inn, you and Jade each take a bag and head upstairs. The room isn’t so quiet anymore. Jake, Dave, and Aradia are arguing with each other while trying to identify one of Dave’s jar specimen. Jane and John are practicing their physical gags while Dirk spots them and corrects their form.

“Hi everyone!”, Jade says jovially, but hoarsely, to the room.

“Yo, what took you guys so long?”, Dave asks, taking a break from his taxonomy debate.

“Well, we found someone to take Eridan’s spot in the next play, but we had to play a game first to be able to take her, but then it turned out we didn’t and then we had lunch-” , she trails off, gesturing vaguely.

“Everyone, this is Terezi. Terezi, this is the troupe”, you say. Everyone makes a short greeting or wave before going back to what they were doing. Except for John, who comes bounding up excitedly like a puppy.

“Hi! I’m John”, John smiles, and sticks out his hand. You’re about to tell him that she’s blind, which should be obvious, hence the blindfold, but she sticks out her hand before you can say anything. She doesn’t get the angle quite right, but John’s hand quickly finds hers and shakes it. But it’s then he realizes that she can’t see, and now he’s just standing there, slowly shaking her hand with a confused look on his face.

“Uh, how did you know I held my hand out?”, he asks tentatively. 

“I didn’t. I usually initiate a handshake just in case, so things don’t get awkward, but you managed to make it awkward anyway. Nice job.”

“Woah, okay.”

“Owned” Dave says from his seat on the floor.

“Oh shut up Dave. I’m not the one who can’t tell the difference between a shrew and a vole.” The death obsessed peanut gallery goes completely silent. Jake silently picks up the formerly idle magic quill and writes “vole” on the jar’s label.

“Okay, back to literally anything that matters, Terezi needs to visit Kanaya’s shop to get a new costume made since she can’t wear Eridan’s. Who wants to make that particular errand?”

“Karkat, Kanaya doesn’t run the shop anymore. She only does private commissions by mail”, Aradia says.

“What? Since when?” Since when did you become so out of the loop.

“Uh, a while?”

“How come? The shop was so nice.”

“Because, she-” Aradia scratches the back of her head. “She joined an acting troupe?”

“Oh, I didn’t know she was interested in that. Why are you acting weird? Is she working with anyone I might know?”

Aradia looks at Jane, and Jane sighs, then nods. “Meenah?” Aradia continues, as if she isn’t sure.

“Meenah? What? Are you fucking kidding me?”

“See, we didn’t tell you because we knew you would be upset.”

“We? So all of you knew about this?”

“To be fair, I didn’t know either” Jake says timidly.

“Shut the fuck up English, I don’t give a shit. Guys. How can you all keep something like this from me? Kanaya is my friend, and, wait, why didn’t she tell me?”

“Karkat, take a chill pill. There’s no point in having a fit over this. So what? The important thing here is that we get what we need to do done because we’re on kind of a time crunch here” Dave cuts in, rationally.

“Fuck you, Dave. Can’t you see I’m having a personal crisis over here? Huh? You know what? I’m out. I’m going to flip my shit all by myself, in peace, and no one can stop me.” Dave gives you a look.

“Fuck, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. I love you. But I am going to go for a bit to cool down and then come back.” Dave sighs, pinches the bridge of his nose, and says:

“Okay, fine. I love you too.”

With that you turn around and walk out the door. After closing it, you hear John say, “What the fuck was that?” 

Now to find out if there’s good ice cream in this town.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on tumblr at [sprinklestitty](https://www.tumblr.com/sprinklestitty)


	4. the nose goes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry there's no illustration this time. I didn't really feel like it.

Your name is Aradia Megido and you were having a perfectly fine time of debating over jar specimens with the boys until Karkat came in and threw a temper tantrum. Oh well, at least you can go back to identifying more jar specimen.

Oh wait.

Karkat brought a stranger to the room. One that you have to entertain, probably feed, and also probably take measurements for. You’re pretty good at relieving awkward situations, although sometimes you just make it more awkward by saying something off-color, but you hope you’ll make it work this time. Terezi is still standing in the doorway, slightly turning her head this way and that, probably to feel out the room through sound. John is standing in front of her, looking generally pretty baffled and a little irritated.

Jade, however, steps into the middle of the room from the couch by the window where she put Terezi’s bags. “Okay everyone, before we get back to what we were all doing, let’s make Terezi feel at home, probably all introduce ourselves, and then I’ll take her measurements to send to Kanaya. Sound good Terezi?”

“Yeah, ok”, Terezi shrugs. She doesn’t seem all too concerned one way or another what’s going on. You like her attitude. 

“Ok, here, take a seat.” Jade takes Terezi’s hand and leads her to the couch you’re sitting on. She almost trips over Dave’s hand on the way before he quickly retracts it. That’s what happens when you sit on the floor like an idiot. Also your butt gets sore and that’s so not fun. Terezi sits on your right side, and Jade sits on the opposite side of her.

“Okay, this is Aradia on your left”, Jade says tentatively.

“Hi! I’m Aradia!”

“Nice to meet you.” She shakes your hand and her grip is firm. While she does this, she inhales deeply. Then she smiles widely and nods slightly. You grin brightly. And bathe nightly. You kill rightly, and creep frightly. You’ve been spending too much time with Dave.

“And this right here is Dave” Jade says as she takes Terezi’s hand and guides it to Dave’s face. She recoils for a second before smiling and patting around his face. Dave grimaces and Terezi looks like she’s going to pull her hand away, then sticks her pointer and middle finger up his nose. Jade and Dave look horrified but you cackle loud enough to get the neighbors to stop fucking next door. Jake looks stunned, but then tries to cover up his laughter.

Jane, John, and Dirk turn around to see what the fuss is about. All three of them find this highly amusing, although Dirk is trying and failing to keep his poorly maintained poker face.

Terezi pulls her fingers out hand holds her hand in front of her, looking slightly regretful. “Did you really think blind people feel people’s faces? That’s just weird” she says as she wipes her mucus covered hand on her pants gingerly.

“Ugh! That was horrible. I like your style, kid.” Dave is wiggling his nose, but he cannot let a good physical joke go unappreciated. That is, until Dirk sneaks up behind him and sticks his fingers in Dave’s nose as well. But this time he gets him in a headlock, and pulls his fingers up so Dave’s top lip lifts above his teeth. Dave is yell-groaning from the floor, kind of flailing around, and it makes you laugh so hard that you full on shriek. The neighbors bang on the wall to try to get you to stop, but every time you see Dave’s face, you start scream laughing. 

Dirk says, “You like my style too Dave? I have plenty more style where that came from.” You look at Dave’s face again and it sends you into full belly laughter, and your face starts to hurt. You can’t breathe. But you can’t stop. It’s almost not even really that funny anymore. Okay wait nevermind, Dirk now has a pair of fingers in his own nose, John’s, while he flops on the floor like a fish, still holding Dave’s body with his arms and legs. You’re pretty sure your face is beet red at this point. Terezi apparently wasn’t expecting such tom foolery, and is kind of sniffing about with her hands placed on the floor. She’s still sitting on the couch, so in that position she looks like a frog. It makes you laugh even harder.

Jake gets up from where he was sitting next to Dave and decides that that’s probably enough.

“That’s probably enough you guys.”

“You sure Jake? Cause y’know, there are some perfectly empty noses in this room. I’d say, even mine. Hell, even yours.” John simpers from his spot on the floor where he’s attempting to wrestle Dirk’s wiggly body into submission with his legs.

“No John, I’m not letting you hornswoggle me into putting my fingers in my bloody nose again.” Jake stands with his hand on his hip, but his chin turned slightly down. Gee, you wonder how you can notice all of this nuanced body language while you’re half bent over, wheeze-screaming, and slapping your knees.

“Again?”, Terezi asks incredulously. 

“Well, he isn’t that smart you see-” Dirk says hoarsely, but because of his nose being obstructed he sounds even more ridiculous and it sends you into another fit of earth shattering laughter. The neighbors bang on the wall again.

“Sorry!” Jade yells while grinning. She is not sorry.

“Hey!”, Jake exclaims, followed by some squinting and hand waving in front of his face. He throws his hands down and says, “Enough of that, can we please cut it out now? This is getting out of hand, and, well, we had more jars-”. He is cut off by Jade striking forward and capturing him into a headlock, immediately going for his midsection with her free hand. He kicks his legs out in response, almost hitting the trio of nose-preying idiots. You are trying to recover, while kind of full on hyperventilating, leaned over the arm of the couch.

It’s this moment that Karkat walks in the door.

“Hey guys, you’ll never guess the flavor this ice cream shop had-” he falls silent when he sees the scene in front of him. Everyone is silent and frozen. Mouths are open in shock, eyes blinking dumbly. Karkat grips a cloth bag in his hands, jaw hanging loose from his face. The only sound that cuts through the tension of the room is your pained wheeze. Karkat looks at you briefly, before looking put upon.

“Really, you guys? I seriously can’t leave you alone for ten minutes without you all getting into some sort of gross wrestling match? Did you even get anything done?” You all glance around the room at each other, as if one of you has the answer to the riddle. John speaks up.

“Uh… no?”

“Has Terezi even been introduced to everyone?”

“No”

“Did anyone take her measurements for her costume? Write a letter to Kanaya?”

John looks around as if that will provide any new information. “No.”

“Oh, okay, cool. No worries. It’s not like we need to make last minute preparations for the most important gig of the year or anything. No biggie. Fool around as much as you want. We have time.” Karkat double tasks and unpacks the cloth bag, setting its contents on the table.

“Oh my god, Karkat. You literally just left the room to have a temper tantrum and came back with sweets. It’s not like you made valuable use of your time either”, Jade chastises, yet she seems more interested in the contents of the bag.

“That’s not the point, the point is that we all need to get our shit together so-” Karkat is interrupted by Jade and John releasing their prisoners and seizing the wooden boxes of ice cream.

“Strawberry! Fuck yeah!”, yells Jade, after sticking a finger in and licking it clean. Which is kind of pointless, since anyone with two eyes can see that pink equals strawberry.

“Jade! Do not put your hands in the ice cream! That is for everyone!” Karkat shrieks. He looks absolutely horrified. “Please. Use a-” Karkat is cut off by Jade’s ice cream covered finger entering his angry jaws. He glares, but swallows anyway.

“It’s good, right?”

“Yeah, I already knew that, because I sampled it at the store. Now use a spoon.”

Everyone sits in a circle on the floor, around the three wooden tubs of ice cream. There’s strawberry, chocolate, and cheese flavor. Karkat says it comes from the Alternian western islands, but you think he probably made it up. You expected it to be gross, but it’s actually pretty good. Just tastes like regular ice cream. But cheesy.

Terezi’s favorite seems to be the strawberry, but she’s treading lightly, maybe to be polite. But maybe she’s lactose intolerant or something, she didn’t care too much about politeness when she attacked Dave’s nose, funny as it was.

Eventually Jake breaks off to go take a nap, he always wants to sleep after eating. Dirk goes to join him. None of you usually designate beds for yourselves when you visit an inn, mainly because there are so many of you that you need the keeper to bring in extras. Jake and Dirk go to the second room, attached to the one the rest of you are in by a wide doorway. Probably a good idea, if they want some peace and quiet. You guys can get pretty loud. You mentally wish them luck in trying to sleep, ‘cause it probably won’t happen.

“Okay, well, that was fun, but we all have stuff to do.” Jade stands and leads Terezi to the couch catty corner to the one by the window. She rifles through one of her bags, and pulls out a magic quill and a notepad. You follow her. “Does anyone have any measuring tape?”, Jade asks the room.

“Dirk does. Let me go get it”, Dave answers. He tiptoes off to the other room, retrieves the tape measurer, and hands it to Jade. Once everyone else splits off into their own activities, Jade gives you the notepad and quill.

 

“Here, I’m going to take Terezi’s measurements and you’ll write them down.”

“Ok.” She begins the process, and you write down everything she says. Damn, where the hell did this girl find green magic ink? You’ll have to ask. Once you’re done writing everything down, you hand the notepad and quill back to Jade, and she writes some more things before folding it into thirds. She goes over to Karkat’s stationery bag and retrieves a cube of green wax and a seal press. You watch in awe as she produces a small flame with a snap of her fingers, and holds the wax cube over it until it drips on the paper. You’ve seen the fire trick a million times, but it never fails to amuse you.

When jade removes the seal press from the wax, the design left is that of a “J” inside of a heart. You think it’s pretty cute. She takes a length of green ribbon, also stolen from Karkat’s stationery bag, and wraps the letter in it like one would a gift box. She then hands it to Jane, who whistles a tune until a pigeon comes through the window and lands on her shoulder. She whispers instructions into its little bird ear while she ties the letter to its little bird foot. Then it flies away, out into the great beyond. You sure do hope the letter actually gets to Kanaya. After all, birds are pretty dumb, in your opinion. 

All of a sudden, you hear some very agitated exclaiming from behind you. You were apparently so fixated on Jane’s pigeon whispering that you didn’t notice Jake come into the room. Both him and Jade are standing up and gesticulating wildly at each other. 

You seriously do not have time for another Harley-English catfight right now, but hell if you aren’t going to stay and watch.


	5. Who ordered these fucking birds?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some extremely inconsequential shit happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is pretty short. It's about to get a lot more interesting, I promise.

Your name is Jane Crocker, and you are extremely confused right now. One moment, you were minding your own business, seeing off a cute little bird into the great yonder. The next, you’re looking over at two very agitated looking troupe-mates.

If this is a thing that’s happening, you might as well get comfy. You come down from the windowsill and sit on the couch. Dave, Aradia, and Terezi are sitting on the other couch. They should know they’re in the splash zone. Amatuers. 

“Jade! I told you not to touch my darn tootin’ wax seal press! And on top of that, you used lime green wax? You knave!” Jake huffs. His hands are balled into fists at his sides. 

Jade squares the hell up. “Are you serious? It’s just a seal press! It’s really not that big of a deal.”

“Oh! Not that big of a deal, huh? What if I decided to make use of your pumpkin press?”

“Oh hell no, that’s different. That was a limited edition holiday special.”

“Everything is a limited edition holiday special. We live in a pre-industrial society for artisan’s sake!”

Aradia and Terezi have taken to whispering to each other excitedly, while Dave has begun covering himself with couch cushions. Oh boy. 

“Ugh! Who cares! You’re being such a kid right now,” Jade barks, throwing her hands in the air. 

“I’m older than you.”

“Doesn’t seem like it!” Jade leans forward with her arms spread out behind her. Dave covers his face with a pillow. You should probably put this to a stop before it escalates. 

“That’s my favorite press, and I told you not to touch it, you witch!” Jake takes a wide swing for Jade’s face, but she catches his wrist. She uses the momentum to pull him forward and knee him in the stomach, and then elbows his upper back when he hunches, sending him to the ground. She doesn’t let go of his hand though, which gives him the opportunity to drag her down before she can twist it into a submission hold. 

Aradia fistpumps, and Terezi holds up her finger and tuts at her. Jade then tickles the spot behind Jake’s knee, which he foolishly left open. His squirming causes him to involuntarily kick Jade in the face, so she holds one of his feet against each shoulder to keep him still. Terezi cackles triumphantly. 

You almost sit up a few times to break them up, but you chicken out. They’re a lot stronger than you are, and you would hate to get caught in the crossfire. Especially now that Jade is reverse wheelbarrowing Jake in an awkward waddle while he pounds his fists against the floor and thrashes about. 

Thankfully, Karkat and Dirk grab a hold of Jade and Jake respectively and begin pulling them apart. Karkat grabs Jade around the waist and starts walking backwards, while Dirk steps on Jake’s back and pushes his calves down. 

Once they’re separated, Karkat packs up his stationery, save for Jake’s stamp. He tosses it at Jake instead, and it lands on his face. There’s a J in a heart shaped imprint on his forehead, which you find to be adequately hilarious. 

“Alright, I think it’s about time to pack up and head out. We don’t have a lot of time,” Dave announces. You completely forgot that there was stuff to be done. Wild. 

You usually keep your things tidy, so you don’t need to spend a lot of time packing up. You’re able to help out everyone else with your extra time, which gets things moving along. After you and Jade strap the horses to the carriage yokes, you hop into the carriage while the others pack up. You and Karkat usually sit this part out since you two are by far the most dainty of the troupe. 

The first hour or so of travel is relatively mellow. Dirk is driving the carriage, while Jake and Aradia are comparing exchange rates and appraising stolen items. Dave, John, and Terezi are sitting opposite from you, trying to best each other in magic tricks involving coins. It’s less than impressive but it’s also not too loud, so you’ll take it. 

You and Karkat sit next to each other reading, until Jade falls asleep on you and traps your book and hands under her heft. You look over Karkat’s shoulder and read along with him. Ugh, it’s a romance. Snore. It’s better than nothing, you guess. 

All of a sudden, a murder of crows perches atop the carriage, and pretty much everywhere else. Some even come inside and start hopping around. Dirk stops the carriage and comes around to the back. He’s muttering something under his breath, but you can’t quite make it out. 

And then, all of the crows start coughing up money everywhere inside the carriage. There are coins and paper bills of every currency imaginable spilling everywhere. The money is completely pristine despite being just inside of birds. The thing that freaks you out the most though, is that each bird spits out way more money than you would expect is possible for them to hold in their little bodies. Whatever magic was used here, you are so jealous. 

You look to your right and out of the back of the carriage where Dirk is standing. He’s reading a note and frowning. Whatever it says, he is not very happy about it. 

You close your eyes, lean back, and mentally prepare yourself for a classic Strider bitchfit.

**Author's Note:**

> this is completely unbeta-ed. There is no one to filter my nonsense. Please leave some comments, they fuel my life force. 
> 
> follow me on tumblr: [ @sprinklestitty](https://sprinklestitty.tumblr.com/)


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